bite the bullet.

ang Beebee ng buhay ko =)

2005-12-29T02:29:00.000+08:00

Jakob & Samantha

2005-12-07T15:29:00.000+08:00

That's my boy Jake and that's my cheeky girl Samantha.

I don't like babies, never did.

I like kids. Always have. When I found myself with child (sounding so Virgin Mary-ish...yet not quite so...) at 21, I felt my world crashing down on me. INITIALLY. I had always had a Leonine spirit...I was fun-loving and outgoing. Nothing could tame that spirit. Not a strict mother, not a strict husband ...no one could tame my wild dreams. My friend Cindy and I always said we'd find our way around the world. My attitude was very devil-may-care. But when my daughter came out on February 14, 1999, it was only then it hit me that I was a mother. Countless sleepless nights would turn into mornings and I'd wake up early to feed my child. At 9am I was ready for school and Baby Sam was due for the 1st of three naps she'd take in a day. The first few months I saw Sam as much as I could...and how I loved being a mom. At some point, my mother-in-law actually told me to stop worrying about breastfeeding and take time out to be with friends. Now that I think of it, I wish I never did. Because when I stopped breastfeeding, that's when I felt i actually lost some connection with my daughter. And 4 months after Sam came out, Jake was suddenly part of the equation. He came out an April Fool Millennium baby. Had I been more attuned to my maternal instincts, life would have continued toward the simpler route.

Because now...7 years later...everything has come undone. Life has turned into a complicated whirligig of events. Knowing what I know now, I wish i kept at my naivete and focused on the here & now. I long for the moments when both my children were...well, babies (yes, I guess I don't hate babies now...). It had been so much simpler to have them there. Talk to them all you want...they never talked back. Hug them all you want...they'd never hold back. Sure, they'd coo once in awhile...and when a baby sleeps in your arms...hmmm...there is nothing more peaceful than that.

I look at my kids and with all humility I see that although I have made mistakes, at the end of the day, it all evens out. I'm still the mother they love unconditionally...and they're still the children I chose to have, despite my unreadiness and immaturity, and however life pans out, they will always be my children. I had been blinded for so long. And yet, now...ironically, my children see me through. Mistakes happen for a reason and I can be sorry all I want, but at the end of the day, I should let it all go and start anew. Mistakes can be corrected if you genuinely care enough to make up for them. And I do. My friend Kelly always said that God has a way of making the blind see. I realize that nothing is truer than that. Now that they've grown into individuals...it worries me...that I could have taught them more and hugged them more. But then, I feel that if i worry about what could have been, then I am simply missing out on the here and now. Which I don't want to anymore. Having them now makes me think of the consequences a singleton won't think of. Something as harmless as a casual date. A late night-out. One drink too many. I have a simple resolution for 2006. Lie low. Love Sam & Jake and make every moment count.

In Alfie, a toilet conversation turned serious was for me, an eye-opener. "Find someone to love and live each day as if it were your last." I'm lucky enough to have 2 someones I love very very dearly. And if every day I can show them how much I truly feel then i'm still the luckiest mother in the world..

Tribute to Tramedy...

2005-11-14T01:50:00.000+08:00

I can say that i haven't lived a dangerous life, although it's quite easy for people think that I have. On the outset, I'm actually very outgoing, but my friend Itos was very accurate when he said that ''you mask your shyness by covering it up with a very good sense of humor...and while that might work for most people, you don't fool me." And I say that he read me...from the get-go, this was one friend who got me! All in all, with more that a few and far between yet very significant bruisers along my pathway, my life has been a tramedy of sorts...and had it been a femme packed with lesser of the hard stuff I'm made of, she would have shot herself with endless gulps of tequila...and a devil-may-care attitude . My ghetto is very unforgiving...and despite trying to live out a life less ordinary than the general FC populace, I find that there are days that I long to just LEAVE everything familiar and make being incognito the 'in' thing to be (at least where I'm concerned).

But the challenge to stay and fix myself in the midst of confusion steadies me...and if anything, it keeps me holding on one day at a time. True I don't expect my life to fix itself...but I do know, I'm fixing it my way, the only way I know how. At arm's length I have a legion of family and friends, and I have never been in better company.

So to survival...and getting there...

happy thought.

2005-10-13T23:13:00.000+08:00

Talked to Sam today.

"Mommy, I saw your big picture in the newspaper. Who are the other boys there? Why did you write about their band? No, I didn't read it. But I saw your picture there. BIG picture! [i hear that smile in her voice as she says this...] But I told my friends in school that my mommy was in the paper..."

And then...

"Mommy, I'm proud of you." =)

I can't (and won't) begin to explain how much joy emanates from hearing my very own daughter say these words to me.

I am proud of myself. For her, I will ignore my RSS [reclusive scribe syndrome] and keep writing just to hear her tell me article after article how proud she is of me.

-my tribute to best buddies-

2005-10-12T03:48:00.000+08:00

Through YM, I touched base with one of my staunch, staunch, staunch high school connections. I simply cannot get over it!!! Chef Robs (here attempting to box out Ali...d-uh!!!) is one of my best girl friends from days of braces and Chinese History. Seriously, I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE MEMORY IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT DOESN'T HAVE THIS WOMAN-CHILD IN IT. =) Name it, we did it. Two foodies out chowing when we should have been burning the midnight oil- St. Jude-style! Soirees for two, Antipolo, Le Ching lunches, MN McDo nights, Pen halo-halo nights with her ex Rainier, Chemistry finals night (which I flunked and she was the one who begged our teacher to give me a 75% on my final grade. My final exam score had been 42 btw...what were you thinking back then girl??). I remember her so well. Always problematic over her countless suitors (Uy si Clemente...hahaha!!!) and I, her over-analyzing boyless sidekick. What did we not do??? There are friendships that fade over time, but finding her again now (FYI, we had a falling-out & I don't remember why!)...it still feels like old times. Thanks for the BUZZ!!! I'm having an extended headrush all because of you... Manila must really be green with envy you're living the luxe life in London! Thanks for being on my broadband at 4 in the morning!!! Promise you'll feed me when I get there ok? I expect no less than the best food from you. Love you Robs!!!!

Hours earlier, I had 3 shots of espresso against his iced mocha (caffeine chicken!) with one of the three people who understand (and indirectly fuel) my passion for writing. Bogs and I have been seatmates in junior high and we have been friends since i was 16!!! Dude, it's been smooth-sailing all the way. Has to do with R-E-S-P-E-C-T (sing it with me)!!! I always love being a 'guy' around Bogs cause he simply takes it in without saying anything. He tells me I laugh too damn loud and that I sound-off and put my bloody foot in my mouth that's why I get into more trouble than I can muster. Dude! Keep your opinions to yourself!!! =) Everything about our friendship reeks of Dawson and Joey sans romance. We mutually don't see each other that way...thank God!!! Hahaha! We laugh at the same things, like the same things and we say it as we see it. Bogs understands me so well and he's always there for perspective. We definitely don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but he's always there for tea and sympathy!!! Mr. Traditional save for the few hours a night that we have coffee will always appreciate being buddies with this modernist. Coffee night is here to stay whether we're 28 or 82! So pare, let's drink to that!!!

You two are two-of-a-kind (the best kind...)

I daresay, it's a good day.

Sheldon & Austen...a yummy preview of things to come!!!

2005-10-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

When I was ten, I tuned in to Sheldon quite by accident. I chanced upon the novel If Tomorrow Comes on my mom's bedside table...and I was hooked. Tracey Whitney colored my world for the next three days. I couldn't wait to read more of this Sidney Sheldon. Then came Noelle Page and Catherine Alexander in The Other Side of MN & Memories of MN. After them came Diamond Lady Kate Blackwell and her Kreuger-Brent Ltd. (Master of the Game), underdogged Jennifer Parker and the Mafioso who loved her (Rage of Angels) and still after that it was Elizabeth Roffe and her pharmaceutical empire in Bloodline (I loved Rhys Williams, he sounded so good on paper!!!). I can go on and talk about Toby Temple...because in truth, I am THE die-hard Sheldon fan. I loved his heroines. They're always beautiful, vulnerable, a little unusual and they always get their men!!! (This was more than a decade before Carrie pined for Mr. Big for endless SATC seasons!) I grew up thinking girls should grow up assertive and never apologize for the strength, femininity and stronghold on men [=)]. So knowing that he has a memoir coming out in November 2005 is something I can't help but be a little giddy about. He is a compelling storyteller. And the characters just come alive for me...so much so that earlier Sheldon novels are unputdownable!!! To finally relaease a memoir of his own life is more interesting than knowing how he concocts his storylines. Sidney Sheldon is truly, the master of the game! Can't wait for his memoir! Should be interesting! =)

While I have yet to read Sheldon's memoir, the plot of Pride and Prejudice is not new to me. I have read it and I have loved Jane Austen since because of Eliza Bennett and the Dashwood Sisters (Sense and Sensibility). The thing with P&P is that it is without doubt one of the most enduring romances I've ever read. There's that *kilig* factor that just doesn't get killed off in my head. The whole time I had my nose in this book I laughed out loud, got frustrated and was reacting too much to Eliza and Darcy. The way Eliza charmed the socks off Darcy by just being herself. It makes so much more sense than going through pains to impress guys. Darcy said as much, "there is MEANNESS in all the arts which ladies sometimes (?-often nowadays!) condescent to employ for captivation. WHATEVER BEARS AFFINITY TO CUNNING IS DESPICABLE." Making this novel into a movie is just too yummy a concept to digest. It's like taking something really good, skipping the better level and heading on to the BEST. I really can't imagine how anybody can screw this up. If it's anything like Branagh's Much Ado about Nothing, then I'm gonna be one happy spectator!!!

...in the spirit of Pinoy reggae...

2005-10-04T03:10:00.000+08:00

Have to admit that although "Maling Akala" by the Brownman Revival (from the Steady Lang album) is getting more than its share of airplay, it is the song called "Dahan~dahan" that is my favorite amongst the roster.

" DAHAN~DAHAN " by Brownman Revival

Pwede bang maabala ka ng sandali sa lahat ng mga nangyayari?
Di mo man pinapansin, nararamdaman mo ba rin
Na may kulang at parang wala ng gana sa lahat
Lahat ng bagay bumibilis...lahat ng tao'y nagmamadali
Litung-lito ang mundo, pagod na pagod at nahihilo
Sa dami ng gulo at kalat kaya...

*Dahan-dahan tayong bumitaw. Dahan-dahan tayong gumalaw.
Dahan-dahan tayo sa lahat, at dahan-dahan tayong mamumulat...

Andami-daming pinapagawa, andami-daming mga salita
MARAMING NAGMAMARUNONG, WALA NAMANG MARUNONG MAGTANONG
Binibini samahan mo nalang ako at...

*Dahan-dahan tayong bumitaw. Dahan-dahan tayong gumalaw.
Dahan-dahan tayo sa lahat, at dahan-dahan tayong mamumulat...
`Dahan-dahan tayo, dahan-dahan tayo, dahan-dahan tayo...
Dahan-dahan tayo, dahan-dahan tayo, dahan-dahan tayo...

Huwag kang matakot o magpadala o magpasindak sa sistema
Maniwala ka sa iyong sarili- kailangan lundagin, kailangan mong gumising...

Maraming nagmamarunong, wala namang marunong magtanong
Binibini, samahan mo nalang ako at... [*][`]

An absolutely beautiful song about love, about how going slow may just be the key to a long-lasting relationship.
People always, always, always want to stick their noses in other people's businesses. And people always feel they have something worthwhile to say about your life. What's up with that?

The appeal of this song is obviously its message which I readily believe. I've never really been one to believe in the 'quick fix' where relationships are concerned. Countless times I've been asked by friends (I'm sure they all meant well...) why I'm not yet coupled whilst my ex is happily in a relationship. I'm surprised by this 'quid pro quo' notion...that just because he has a girlfriend, I have a license to coupling. Truth of the matter is, I have yet to find someone who's going to qualify. And as of this writing, there's just nobody who fills that niche in my life.

Like I'd always say, better to be alone for the right reasons than to be coupled for all the wrong ones. Finding just anybody for the sole purpose of companionship is easy. But finding one who will share with me that 'spark' is measure for measure one toiling challenge. By definition [Thanks to one of my favorite websites==> www.m-w.com =)], a spark is 'something that sets off another force.' The lineaments of love ascribe to similar rudimentary principles. It only takes a single spark to set up a fire...yet the first (or second or third, for that matter...) try won't always be successful.

Love, they say, should be the easiest decision an individual has to make, although the hardest part is always at the starting point because that's where all the risks are. Choose the right love and everything will be one slow and smooth flow. So in effect, it's my choice (or the absence of having one who qualifies) that's why it's taking a while...but I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm actually a little too set in my ways to be bothered by solitude.

I see Brownman Revival going far with this album. Last I heard they have already been included in the NU Rock Awards. No small feat in any case! Given the daily stresses that we individuals have to put up with everyday of our lives, it really is a welcome relief to hear a song about taking things easy...So to slowing down in more ways than one-- hear ye! hear ye!

sensible advice...

2005-09-30T23:36:00.000+08:00

Unlike most people, I don't read the frontpage. I find it depressing (seriously). What I like to read are articles by Wilson Lee-Flores, Butch Dalisay among others. For reasons I know not, Dalisay strikes me as funny. Plus he sort of reminds me of my Lit professor in some mysterious way. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I chanced upon a quote he borrowed from an author whose name i lost because I recklessly tore out the paragraph and lodged it into my wallet for safe-keeping. For the groundedness it offers, I am reprinting it hoping it will serve to discipline wanna-bes very much like myself.

"My advice to young writers would be don't do it unless you really want to;
don't do it expecting that it will support you;
don't do it imagining that once your talents have been revealed, the world will conclude that it owes you a living;
don't do it to mend some hole in your life or purge yourself of some pain;
don't do it unless you believe, utterly, that making art is the most important thing there is;
don't do it assuming that the result will ever satisfy you.
And finally: don't take advice from older writers- they're only talking to themselves.
It's different for you. You're starting FRESH. The world awaits. Go for it."

"Oomph!!!" factor apparent. Enough said.

the ForWarD of the day...

2005-09-27T02:13:00.000+08:00

==> WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?
Find your birthday and then find your tree. =)
Jan 01-Jan 11 FIR
Jan 12-Jan 24 ELM
Jan 25-Feb 03 CYPRESS
Feb 04-Feb 08 POPLAR
Feb 09-Feb 18 CEDAR
Feb 19-Feb 28 PINE
Mar 01-Mar 10 WEEPING WILLOW
Mar 11-Mar 20 LIME
Mar 21 (only) OAK
Mar 22-Mar 31 HAZELNUT
Apr 01-Apr 10 ROWAN
Apr 11-Apr 20 MAPLE
Apr 21-Apr 30 WALNUT
May 01-May 14 POPLAR
May 15-May 24 CHESTNUT
May 25-Jun 03 ASH
Jun 04-Jun 13 HORNBEAM
Jun 14-Jun 23 FIG
Jun 24 (only) BIRCH
Jun 25- Jul 04 APPLE
Jul 05-Jul 14 FIR
Jul 15-Jul 25 ELM
Jul 26-Aug 04 CYPRESS
Aug 05-Aug 13 POPLAR
Aug 14-Aug 23 CEDAR
Aug 24-Sep 02 PINE
Sep 03-Sep 12 WEEPING WILLOW
Sep 13-Sep 22 LIME
Sep 23 (only) OLIVE
Sep 24-Oct 03 HAZELNUT
Oct 04-Oct 13 ROWAN
Oct 14-Oct 23 MAPLE
Oct 24-Nov 11 WALNUT
Nov 12-Nov 21 CHESTNUT
Nov 22-Dec 01 ASH
Dec 02-Dec 11 HORNBEAM
Dec 12-Dec 21 FIG
Dec 22 (only) BEECH
Dec 23-Jan 01 APPLE

TREES (alphabetical)
Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.

Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant,friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of?imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family-oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love&affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, sexually oriented, great sense of humor, has artistic talent&great intelligence.

Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to
use them, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud,self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

This is my tree. Beautiful, ain't it?? =)

all-ears in my birthday suit...

2005-09-26T02:13:00.000+08:00

Tonight, while having my weekly massage, my masahista cum friend Anna got to talking about relationships (as if I never think of the topic enough...even in the stumbling hours of relaxation the topic finds its way back to me, go figure). I've known her for a couple and only in the last three weeks have I seen her distraught. Of course, I, armed aptly in my birthday suit, was all-ears. Sometimes, it isn't about what you say but what you can just take in. This is what I do. Listen...listen...and listen some more. Hmm, I couldn't help but peruse at these relationship questions-->

"How long does it take for one to safely say that she knows her partner well enough??"; and, "Does being with someone for a long time sometimes resign the other to just stay on even at the risk of unhappiness???" (I'd readily shake my head but for the majority...ahh...it is not a choice...)

Forty minutes into the massage my good friend R sends me a message that he has broken up with his girlfriend of some months. Proceeds to summon me to coffee night with his newly-single self. I replied in the affirmative and told him to simply give it time because tough times pass too. Been there. Done with it too.

Hmm. I wanted to tell R that the last time we had coffee he was kind of all giddy like a school boy, couldn't stop talking about her. And now, gone? So soon? I wonder what it takes for certain relationships to stay on. Because some couples have the equation down pat. I wonder if they have pills for forever.

Going back to Anna the masseuse...
She asked me what I missed most about being single. Paddling through issues on relationships, I told her I would have to say that for me it boiled down to the small things. What I really miss about couplehood isn't the unusual moments like birthdays or dinners-for-2 or Christmases or couple quality-time like anniversaries or Valentine's. Because special occasions are but in total a fortnight in a year...There are 11 months and 15 days of normalcy to contend with. It's really about having someone you can do the ordinary, everyday things with. The ordinary that become EXTRAordinary when done with the right person. There. I said it. Call this my lopsided take on romance-- an ode to common everyday moments-- going for a tan by the pool & having someone laboriously rub tanning oil on your back to help you achieve the perfect tan, watching a B-movie or having a quiet DVD night with red wine as accompaniment, picking up his groceries, reading the news over someone's shoulder and loving the annoyed looked over doing so (it is quite annoying to read over someone's shoulder, mind you!), just having someone to smoke with or falling asleep in someone's arms. Anna laughed at what I said and told me I was still too much of a kid with all my romantic notions. I said that I really looked for the 'spark'...and she says it will come but it will take time.

The idealism refuses to die. I'm looking for the 'glitter' of the gold, if I may append from the Merchant of Venice's chest of quotables. Enough said. =)

...me and Mr. Jabbar

2005-09-18T04:43:00.000+08:00

Who: my 心心相印 friend...Dos
Where: Cafe Puccini@theFORT (set to pirated house&RNB music! At least twasn't the LIVE band trailing behind us!!!)
When: 09.17.2005
Why? Because I wanted comforting company and the love of his life was nowhere to be found!
How? ...and he picks me up! [does it get any better than that??]
Was out with Mr. Jabbar till 3am. He called me last minute to make plans, I already had a full night of staying in but one call from one of my better quality friends and I'm in. Jabbar's probably back up in his mountains now. [Quick shout out to you...thanks for the 3rd espresso shot...the caffeine's still kicking in!] Thanks again coming to pick me up...I really was planning to pull in an all-nighter in SCRIBE persona. Yet one call from you & my whole schedule falls to pieces. JABBAR--brilliant schedule breaker, lighter thief and cig supplier (filched my Cricket but once again. Damn.) I haven't seen him in weeks and since the love of his life is in Bora as we speak, we were stuck together on this lovely blossom of a night. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday. One of the best dates I've had. We spent the night catching up, talking and laughing out loud (Yup, in that order.). Seem to be getting pretty tired of the club scene...and after a very unpleasant ghetto comment last week, I thought I'd lie low for a bit and stay out of the "in" Club. I'd still go with friends to dance, but, I'm perfectly content licking my paws and talking the night away as long as the company can spare the time and the extra set of ears. Jabbar readily delivered more than half a dozen pairs--the good listenin' kind... Clubbing gets old as we all do I guess.

I don't know how the hell we yakked for five hours nonstop. He had too much wine and I had 3 shots of espresso. On the way home, he said I looked oddly sleepy. He told me to take melatonin to help me sleep and I told him to mind his own hit. And of course, we laugh again. How can it be that easy with Jabbar? And yet with other speciMEN, not quite so??? He is the easiest guy to be with. He says things as he sees them and he doesn't mar them with any care for en masse opinion (my kind of guy). The thing about being a singleton is that you reap what you sow...and since I've ascribed religiously to solitude, privacy and independence...I'm not even ashamed to say that I kind of look forward to for ME-time more and more and when I'm on the brink of PMS, I actually morph into a slight grouch if i don't get enough of myself. It is a weird thing to get used to but once you've established your own custom-made solitary system, it can be actually be addictive...and FUN!
So to you my dear buddy Dos, here's to more caffeine, nicotine and alcohol nights ahead (NO LIGHTER FILCHING ANYMORE...), and to more laugh-trip stories ('the hale in London' kind...) ahead! I <3 you Mr. Jabbar!!!

心心相印 (xin1 xin1 xiang1 yin4) To share thoughts and feelings; to have mutual affinity

Drink in PASSION from the carton...pulps included!

2005-09-14T23:25:00.000+08:00

======> Today's very "LEO" Horoscope.

Not only do Leos need to live life to the fullest each second of their lives, they also feel the need to leave their special mark on the world they live in. You just have to be creative in life. You just can't help it. That great project you have been thinking about for a while is just beginning to take shape. Today, you may find some of the materials you needed to really get things going! A financial gift, or the gift of someone's time? Someone's generosity could really make your day!

深情厚誼

2005-09-04T05:00:00.000+08:00

Someone asked my opinion today if I felt I stood out bec I was, by and large, conspicuous by Pinoy standards. Hmm...without batting an eyelash, I can safely say, I never thought about it. I'm too busy with my thoughts to really bother with what people might think of my infinitesimal presence in the macrocosm. I'm actually one of the people who likes going around the city. And I find that incognito is the best state to be. If there was a song that played out my life in that aspect and the way I see how people generally relate to each other, it'd probably be this song by D'Sound.

"People are People"

I am the one who believes in all that you say
I am the one who never wants to define herself
I am the one who’s parallel, upfront, behind
I am the one paddling like crazy through the night
Refine, old time, colourblind
Big sign, do time, doesn’t rhyme...a lot, too much, standing tall
And I’m crying in the valley: “I shall never, ever fall!”
People are people and I feel so strong
People are people and I’m going on
I am the one who stirs it up everytime
I am the one who never knows how close she is
I am the one who’d rather be dead than confess
I am the one trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on
Excess, temptress, big mess..phony, lonely, it’s a test
Be still my heart, don’t you fail and I’m crying on the stagefloor:
“I WILL ALWAYS PREVAIL!!”

I'd say that pretty much sums me up.

Overwhelmingly naive (or eternally optimistic), boundless (in energy and opinion), easy in my skin, that's me. I'm finding more about myself day-by-day. People tend to see me in a not-so-positive light as my physical features are very strong & my personality's not one to back down...but honestly, I have no qualms about speaking my mind, Society and 'ghetto' standards tend to frown upong the traits of an opinionated Amazon.

Despite my normally 'tough' (caffeinated) demeanor, I'm actually a softie (decaf) when it comes to those people I care about. I'm always there when my friends/loved-ones need an ear or a shoulder or a 'gusali' to lean on. 深情厚誼
(shen1 qing2 hou4 yi4/ Deep feelings of friendship) I'm very very quiet especially when it's secrets shared to me by my friends. No angel, I've had my share of fall-outs and let-downs,...but still and all, I'm very positive about finding myself in the fit of things. Human nature is possibly one of the few things in life that one can never know too much about.

The only thing about the song that rings wrong is the word 'phony'...

up to the challenge...BUT OF COURSE!

2005-08-29T11:58:00.001+08:00

Here's your Aug 29 horoscope.

Date of Birth: 07/27
Finally, all of your efforts are being recognized, `anirda`s. That's not to say that you can now sit back and rest on your laurels - quite the contrary! Now is the time to put your original ideas to the test. But this time, you have the backing of the higher-ups. Don't be nervous; just do what you had planned to do all along. If you work hard, you are likely to see tremendous professional and financial rewards.

Brought to you by www.astrocenter.com: Your Daily Horoscope Service

以毒攻毒 mentality...

2005-08-25T02:25:00.000+08:00

From OneADay.Org I get my daily doses of wisdom nuggets which sometimes are apt for the moments in my life (like today, for instance.) that all I can do is sit back, relax and enjoy my life unfold. These idioms keep me in check whilst giving me a quick U-turn to my (sadly) disoriented Oriental heritage. Allow me to explain.

I had dinner with three of the most fantastic people in my circle of friends. Aside from being beautiful on the outset (models all and I, the singular writer in the group...), these people are true to the core, easy in their skins and fun with all the quality interjections in between. Since leaving the ''safer'' side of the ghetto tracks a year ago and finding a day-job that allowed me to explore the intricacies of human relationships, I came to the conclusion that I am lucky to have been in close contact with individuals from all walks of life. Struggling single parents, undiscovered yet amazingly talented individuals, penny-pinchers whose sole purpose is to get through the day...and on the other side of the spectrum, moneyed hedonists ("Let's eat & drink, for tomorrow we die."), self-made millionnaires, the low-profiled old rich and the brash nouveau riche, influential people with "last-name-syndrome, " and the lot...so many of them have willed themselves to become friends of mine after thoughtful exchanges. I am extremely lucky to have an influx of people coming into my life because it keeps me grounded. Most of them I connected with, some not quite so...yet I found one thing to be true-- each encounter was truly an enriching experience. These 3 individuals, each coming from their unique-to-self backgrounds, have really given me perspective tonight.

G, who I have known the longest is like myself, from the 'ghetto.' She is estranged from her family (by her stalwart choice which I applaud her for. Excess baggage is not the kind of luggage I wanna be lugging around either...). She is very successful yet manages to maintain a level-headedness that is a rarity in her industry. An extremely strong spirit who will never be beaten down by anything.

D, kindly 'culinary' soul moonlighting as a businessman, has done nothing but encourage me to leave the 'comforts of home' and venture out into the world and find myself. Plato did say know thyself...and what better way than to get lost to be found. He listens to me and sees the hunger for seeing what's out there...and living in the 'mountains' we can keep in touch by simply messaging each other once a day!!! :-)

A, wanderluster extraordinaire, left his home at 18 to see the world (25 countries and counting...). Manila is home. For now. His interest in anything Chinese is very flattering and astounding. Claim to fame-- being on the cover of a man's mag in his early 20s is no small feat. He is detached from the shallowness of the industry and is happier doing his own thing. Goodlooker that he is, he'll definitely go far!

More than the awesome conversation, more than Chocolate Dome and the Shiraz, (I timed in late but immediately caught up and found myself in sync with the easiness of the company and the conversation!), I will fondly recall these three since they were with me when I bumped into Mr. X and Ms. Date. They were so low-key about it that I couldn't have been blessed with better than best company in a truly awkward foot-in-mouth moment. Had I been with the wrong group of friends, I would have probably gotten into some form of trouble (immediate or otherwise). They were the best group to be seen with. Oddly enough, I feel very safe around A&D. And I'm looking forward to more interaction with these two lookers.

This is the first time I've seen my ex with Ms. Date. And I never thought I'd live through the experience. Yet, now that that bridge is crossed and the toll paid, I can honestly say I'm ok. And happier. I could bitch and moan, but I am not one to gloat. I'm happy he's found someone. Admittedly, he & I are not without our issues. But I doubt 以毒攻毒 (yi3 du2 gong1 du2 a.k.a. to fight poison with poison) is the way to go. And my issues with him are not issues that concern her. Besides, I'm too docile for the poison pen mentality. I think that's why I'm banking on karma to do all the toiling work for me. Let everyone concerned get what they truly deserve. As for myself, I'm simply going to cruise down the highway of life.

My close friend M said as much to me last night, career and YOU first. And the rest will follow.

Life, still and all, is beautiful. In the end, it will boil down to looking in the mirror and liking what you see.

...regrets I haven't any...

2005-08-24T03:32:00.000+08:00

Jakob & Samantha.
"The best things in life aren't things."

'Nuf said.

movie on my mind- LOVE ACTUALLY

2005-08-21T13:33:00.000+08:00

Upon waking up at 11 today, I think of doing only two things==> (1) Lighting up whilst watching the sun high up in the sky; and, (2) turning on my laptop. Since it was too beautiful a day to succumb to my pollutant alter~ego [...and i have lots, I assure you!], I simply dissuade the notion and click on my iTunes & via Shuffle mode, the first song that whirs me into wakefulness was Dido's "HERE WITH ME." (Pretty good soundtrack from Joni Mitchell to Gabrielle to the pre-pubescent Olivia Olson to Maroon 5 to you guessed it, Dido) Dido has always been one of my favorite artists. For less-than-obvious reasons, I might add. I've always been fascinated with melancholic melodies. That said, let me clarify that sad songs may sing of happy things and these are the tunes I am quite partial to. The calming and comely appeal is not lost to me. Append to that the lingering sadness & longing in Dido's vocal chords. I'm sold on the woman!!! More than one of my top chill-out choices along with Chicane and Moby, Dido has killer lyrics that get to me...from Thank you to Hunter to White Flag...Awesome talent! [Segue ends now. =)]

Having taken up Psychology in college, I am intrinsically attuned to my mental faculties and find that I am forever simultaneously doing two things, questioning and answering a manifold of questions. Introspection is not an easy thing to explain. By my troth, no answer is ever enough! And when I start questioning people on the squeashier nitty~gritties of life & its ironies, then I know I'm in trouble. The 11-year old Sam (played by Thomas Sangster) said it best, "NOTHING IS WORSE THAN THE TOTAL AGONY OF BEING IN LOVE." Might I try polemicizing that NOTHING IS WORSE THAN THE TOTAL AGONY OF BEING OUT OF LOVE...as well???

So my explanation for watching "Love Actually" 3hours later has to do with that one particular scene I so loved in the movie with (ta-dah!) Dido's "HERE WITH ME" playing in the background.

Aside from Hugh Grant (playing the very dapper albeit clumsy PM) dancing to the dance hit "Jump," the scene that touched me to the core was when Juliet (Keira Knightley, who will soon be seen starring in Pride & Prejudice as the 'conceited sort of abominable independence' Elizabeth Bennett =)] went over to Mark's (her husband's best buddy, played by angst-ridden Andrew Lincoln) flat to look for wedding shots of herself. In the course of the search for 'a wedding shot that doesn't make me look purple,' she blatantly tells him that although they have never gotten 'friendly,' she vouched that she really was nice person, and she hoped that they could be friends for Peter (husband) if nothing else. After finding the misplaced wedding video and plugging it into the VCR, she congratulates him for a job well done, realizing a tad too late that all the shots were of her. And nitwit that she is, it fi...nally dawns on her that the reason he has maintained an aloofness towards her was because he had been in love with her all along. "They're all of me." She realized sadly. As the minute-long video comes to a close, they are both uncomfortably speechless for awhile. Mark mumbles a lame excuse about being late for a lunch and as he leaves her to "see your way out," but not before blurting awkwardly that his indifference was 'a self-preservation thing.' He quickly steps out into the shivering cold and for a moment he hovers at his apartment door walking to and fro as if wanting to go back to Juliet to explain, but in the end, finally relents and walks away with all the pent-up frustration of a lovelorn schoolboy. That scene really gets to me and everytime I see it, I am reminded of how so many times in the past I've been in that torturous situation of knowing how strongly I feel about a guy, yet not know if my feelings are requited or not. And I've never never said anything. I guess not knowing is more of a security for me than knowing that there's nothing to be hopeful for.

In all honesty, I don't really know a lot of things about the red-letter emotion. Love's actually a mystery where I'm concerned. (And when I'm in my odd-PMS moments, I think to an extreme that love is a farce.) I grew up never really being in a relationship where I had been head over heels in love with someone. (I think it's the two-letter preposition 'IN" that makes all the difference really.) I was never really the girl guys asked out. Nor was I ever the girl that guys liked. I was always in the center of the action though being one of the boys. Besides, I had enough friends, those who were passing out love and forever to their prospects and I was always around to hear their stories, but I was never really in one of 'em romantic stories. I was always watching from the sidelines, quietly observing the silly notions people got when they caught the love-bug. Once again, I say...introspection is a funny thing.

So here I am, alone again, naturally...wondering if love will ever come. It's not like me to sit around wait for it. But it is so me to wonder about its possibilities. And it's not like me to want something that's not even here. Love is not actually in the works now, but stuff like love tend to take a while in coming. So I am going to bide my time. And unlike my commitment-phobic friends, I'm actually set on the feeling, I'm not gonna dilly-dally. I'm actually going to grab the chance to finally fall, fall, fall deeply IN love...when it actually comes.

...and the winning 'dick' goes to...

2005-08-21T02:42:00.000+08:00

...me & margie of course! We won, HANDS DOWN! (No pun intended!)

There are showers...then there are showers. Last night's was particularly fun. I bought Vodka and Varvecue. :-)

For Sex Charades, we had two groups. The Conservative Set and the All-Out Set. When the word 'missionary' was played out, the former used hand gestures, the latter- actual gestures! Imagine how explicit the whole thing got! Nuf said. (Haha!)

Everyone had fun & everything was perfect (except for the cake which was NOT chocolate- hmph! But oversight forgiven). More pictures and updates to come.

Games were amazing. Liquor was pouring all night long!

Everyone had a blast!!!

"THE INVITATION" by the Oriah Mountain Dreamer

2005-08-19T22:44:00.000+08:00

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life's betrayals or
have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember
the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you tell me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
if you can bear the accusations of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore, be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life in God's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
And if you can truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Drink in the passion in his words. It's the ULTIMATE!!
WHO ARE YOU, Oriah Mt. Dreamer???

mood music: ON MY OWN by Peach Union

2005-08-17T02:24:00.000+08:00

Baby
No, it's not that I don't care
Maybe
It's a change in atmosphere
And I've seen the signs I know
That it's right for me to go
I'm on my way

So when you think of yesterday
Remember all the things we said
I've got to see it through alone
I've got to do this on my own

Baby
You could say that it's unfair
Maybe
I've got nothing left to share

And I've seen the signs I know
That it's right for me to go
I'm on my way

So when you think of yesterday
Remember all the things we said
And through the course of history
I hope you'll still remember me
And there can't be no other way
There's nothing left for us to say
I've got to see this through alone
I've got to do this on my own

Along with Dido's "Thank You," this lesser known track by Peach Union is one of my favorites in the compilation. But don't let that keep you from listening to the whole soundtrack. There are a lot of amazing songs on the Sliding Doors OST.
Sliding Doors stars Mrs. Chris Martin (AKA Gwyneth Paltrow).
A beautiful sad song with a happy melody. A definite nerve-calmer.
PEACH UNION consists of Pascal Gabriel, Lisa Lamb & Paul Statham. They disbanded in 1998.
Back catalogue of official releases are available at www.mute.com

coming on too strong... ??

2005-08-10T21:45:00.000+08:00

It never really bothered me when friends pop in and out of existence. In fact, such camaraderie AWOLs are given leeways... unwanted but usually an accepted occurrence in the of name of 'forever friendship.' And usually, the singular major (yet most unnecessary) reason is because they find themselves...ATTACHED. Hmm. Such is the case of my very good friend H., who I haven't seen in months. We've always been in touch and suddenly, twas bat out of hell...pfft! I saw him today and was vocal about missing him so and asked him to give me ONE good reason why he had been in absentia for the last half-year or so. Turns out the reason wasn't him, but his better-half. His response had been pretty point-blank. The girlfriend "didn't like me" (aka didn't warm to me or in girl gab-"I don't trust her."). This isn't the first time this has happened and given my gift for the masculine connection and being one-of-'em-boys, I'm certain it won't be the last. I know myself well enough to say I'm not threatening in any way. But girls who don't know me seem to always think so. I never bite off more than I can chew and I certainly know nothing's more "KEEP OFF THE GRASS" than a buddy who's in a serious commitment.

But I am getting ahead of myself. I've never spoken to her at length, so I really don't know her. The one time I met her was when I was killing time to meet other friends (oops! for KTV--a personal thing you know...) so I hung out with him not knowing that they had already been an item. Between the two of us, she certainly was the friendlier girl. She had the big smile and was in chit-chat mode. I, on the other hand, had been big-time problematic then. I went to see H. because I needed a friendly face and once in a while I go to him for quick checks on honest-to-goodness perspective. Yup, he's that kind of a friend. Big brother material.

So, I asked him why he thought she didn't like me. And H, being his usual straightforward self, said he thought that it was because I came on too strong...

Me?? Come on TOO STRONG?! Is this because I'm a mass of vertical abomination? Or because I have a good head above my broad shoulders? Or because I can actually carry a far-reaching conversation with people in general? I can only hope to comprehend the need for catty comments made by people I don't know. Maybe it's true that I come on too strong. But I don't see it as a bad thing. At least I never thought it was.

So that's that.

HEY H, TELL YOUR LADY LOVE TO KEEP OFF MY GRASS!!

paralysis by analysis.

2005-08-09T12:18:00.000+08:00

Interesting expression there that makes so much sense. One of my regulars was in the store today and we got to talking about life, living and the lot. (You know how that goes. Neverending and ultra-inspirational!) I told her how wanderlust has been nagging at my every nook and cranny lately...and she told me to simply go for it!!! There is such a thing as thinking too much she says. Because it numbs you and makes you take a step back. So...should I just freewheel into the unknown? ...Make the jump? ...Bite the bullet?

My good friend JC always said that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. And some of the time, I have to agree with him. I have the unerring tendency to ponder too much on even the most miniscule things. I don't know how many times I've been told by my good friends that I look shallow on the outset. I have to laugh out loud at their brutally frank sentiments...but I despise the silliness of the implication. Oft it's been said that I look like the typical 'kikay'. (By kikay, they are obviously referring to someone who is obsessed with herself. Looking perfect. Looking too good to be true. Too hooked on make up, the latest fashions, idle gossip and the subject of beauty.) You've got to be kidding. Nothing can be further from the truth as far as this lady's concerned, I daresay. And I will challenge anybody who vouches to such assertions (LIES really!). Because the people who know me (and know me well) will claim the same thing. I hardly wear make-up, i despise gossip and my dress sense is as ever-changing as a chick's mind (tell me about it). Truth be told, as I've gotten more mature, I realized why I relate better with guys. And how! Everytime I have dilemnas, the first 3 people I immediately think of consulting tend to be the no-nonsense, deeply introspective male buddies of mine. Good guy friends are few and far between...these are the ones who applaud me for being an individual. I. says I'm one of the few who readily dances to her own beat. M. says I'm not typical at all. R. says he loves that given my inclinations to be one of the boys, I can still hold my own and maintain my femininity. These are the nicest compliments I've ever gotten. Ironic twist of fate, my unique-to-self drumbeats were often the cause of my verbal sparring with my ex. (I guess he hates that he loses to me in most arguments. Haha!) Hard as I try, I can never stop myself from just shutting up. My opinions get the better of me and I land into the worst kind of shit. That, and the fact that I avoid lying to make myself look good. Ask for my views, expect to get it. I am not abrasive in my manner though, so people tend to laugh. I'm actually really shy. Even I. says I make light of everything to mask my shyness. How true!

And no matter how hard I analyze myself and box myself to be quite the 'kikay' I seem to be...at the end of the day, I'm always happy to just be me. The tall, outspoken, straightforward force of abominable intimidation whose amazing resilience stems from being easy in her skin. Which, in this day and age is an absolute rarity, but is not a bad thing.

Singles@ Jaipur...

2005-08-03T01:17:00.000+08:00

We're supposedly the Singles Club. (Chee-hee, I don't know about that.) Wednesday found me here with the official Singles Club (guess I was just the honorary member, the "SINGLEd-out for the Night") officers, or so they call themselves.

Funny thing about singlehood. I never imagined life would turn out the way it did. Life truly is what happens when one is busy making plans (Riddle me this- Does it mean that spontaneity is the better choice?) I always tend to see my life in phases. When I split up with my ex last October, it was uneventful. Not as easy as I'd thought it'd be. And I had this impending feeling of doom lasted till mid-year. And I finally realized that single may mean 1 but it ain't always the loneliest number. The last time I was a singleton, I was all of 17. A decade and two long-term relationships later, I find that I am older and wiser...and single but once again.

It took me awhile to get used to singlehood. =) But I've never been to mind doing things by myself. Left to my own devices early in life, I got to be pretty independent. I'm actually pretty outgoing but there are certain activities I like doing alone. There's dawn running (nothing beats post-running introspection!) which I absolutely love. There's doing the groceries, getting used to buying for one. There's my sheer love for privacy early in the morning when I'm having my first drip of the day (that's drip coffee, mind you!) while basking in the sun. In hindsight, I realize I am quite the introvert where hobbies are concerned.

So to staying out of trouble and finding myself in the fit of things... =)

me & bee-yoo-tee-ful Sam

2005-08-01T02:57:00.000+08:00

How I miss you, beautiful! I miss our talks at night, our after-school quali-time in the playground and our Dr. Seuss moments!!!

When you sire a child into the world in your early 20s, the whole experience takes you by surprise. I can't tell you how overwhelming motherhood is. Every single day I wake up with thoughts of her and wonder how it will all unfold a decade from now...

I'm keeping my 3-fingers crossed and counting on karma to do all the arranging & rearranging for me.

connect/select

2005-07-27T16:27:00.000+08:00

Over mint tea and sympathy, I found myself in bitch-and-moan-mode, telling my commitment-phobe cum genius of the male genus confidante that it was so hard to find a good man nowadays. (Defining good in this day & age lends itself higher in the relationship hierarchy.) The fact that he was religiously picky with his women (and well, his tea) seemed to add a vagueness to the well-worn topic. He's the traditionalist with an open-mind, and I am admittedly the modernist who nixes the limitations of tradition. He always tells me goes to stop wagging my naivete in front of him and simply get in the game. It would necessitate for useless meanderings. Could it be true...that man and woman will always pit wits against each other for a shot at long-lasting love. Deep down, whether or not we admit, we are all old-fashioned romantics. (I know I am.) That was the case then, that is the case now, and that will always be. The more you fight to stay away, the more you find yourself suckered into it. She, who readily fights relationship monsters with these wise-ass nuggets in mind, wins. There's hidden persuasion in these words I daresay.

But such as the enigma that they have been in any woman's life, let us ask soak ourselves in the paradox: WHY, WHY, WHY are we hopelessly entangled in the blatantly attractive world of men and mind games?

Women of the world, we don't live on bread alone. (And with the current low-carb craze we really shouldn't.) A salient point, if I may: We're certainly better educated, we work hard to attain financial independence and more and more, we're unabashed about our sexuality, and the millennium has ushered in a window of choices. Single by choice, single mom, cohabitating, open-relationship champion, happily married, unhappily married, happy with someone's spouse...where are you in the relationship continuum???

We have in our hands, an endless ocean of relationship (im)possibilities. More than we can handle methinks. More than what can be said about Eve who had only Adam. And we saw how one man was enough to undo her. Given the once voluminous list of BS that reads us women as the inferior sex. Such notions which used to be taboo are now beyond belief archaic. There is now but a thin line separating the battle of sexes. We're closing in femmes! So be empowered. Every day, with boundaries that the millennium women constantly find themselves over-stepping, give it time and we'll be overstepping that line between the women and men. It all boils down to a spar between our genius and their madness. Even non-selection is a choice. There is much to be said about the multi-faceted Mr. Right. I think the concept of having a Mr. Right-now came into existence because the former takes FOREVER to pop into our realities. Sensibilities notwithstanding, my good friend Sandra always blows me away with her memorable one-liners. This particular one comes to mind- the right person at the wrong time is the wrong person. Very true.

Are we in a love-starved era that we'd settle for less or did we just get smarter with time that we'd choose to not settle? We've come a long way to get to where we are now, and yet, relationships are, still and all, a dynamic boggle. On the outset, physical attraction and a semblance of a connection seem to be key. An equation that's always easier said than done. Yet, despite all the written literature that goes way back, know that it has taught us nothing for we still are in the continuum of relationship limbo. It seems that we are forever at a loss for relationship sense and sensibility. Adhering to one of best lines ever written (albeit tweaked to suit the feminist purposes of this post), "Wisest is she who knows that she doesn't know." There is not a singular brilliant statement that can hope to encompass the complexities of relationships. Nothing can be derived from the past, so best to make our own battleplan for our future.

From the seemingly far-out notions of arranged marriages (You'd think it was silly that such a thing was ever in ancient rage, but my grandparents' marriage were one of such a nature, and they lived to tell about it for more than half a century, loyal to each other till my grandfather's dying breath. For an animated take on arranged marriages, it will do you well to watch Disney?s Mulan.), to the perfect days of wine and roses (listen to the beautiful lines of ShBoom Life Could Be a Dream), to the lure of an easy partner on a worn-out bed, to the current trend of sexual abstinence (www.assexuality.org).

Given our outrageous milestones, should women not also assert themselves in the all-important decision of partner selection? No perfectly-shaped brows raising my way please. Why not? Are we not entitled to stake our claims on the one man that makes our hearts limp and render our loins powerless?

Let me post the question, do you know what you want and far are you going to go to get it??? How far are you going to go to blindly follow conventions? Who has the right to judge/misjudge happiness?

my BORA moon...

2005-04-25T01:20:00.001+08:00

The summer is not complete without Bora to make it sweet...and what's better than the beautiful moon to accompany Jam Jar by the dozen??

DON'T I LOVE THE BEACH!!!

me basking in the beauty of the Bora sunset....

2005-04-23T17:35:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine sent me an MMS...

...nothing can be more perfect than this! :-)

Beijing in the wintertime...

2005-01-05T15:21:00.000+08:00

Hmmm...It snowed the whole afternoon. It was imperfectly chilly (as opposed to perfectly chilly...which is?) & the only thing my sis could do was chat with her friends online and I, left in my solitude had to contend with a DVD marathon (no hesitation there)...alternating between Renee Zelwegger, Hugh Grant, Colin Firth (OH JOY!!!), Anthony Hopkins, Kevin Spacey, Matthew McConaughey, Gabriel Byrne...In a chute moonlighting as a lackluster apartment, can good company be more star-studded than that? Apartment's not warm enough (on the 27th floor how warm does it get?), but sweats and pj's have to be enough.

We went out last night and contrary to popular belief, snow is not glamorous on the pavement. Sooty and slippery...whatever happened to the pristine, celestial fluffs of precipitation they show on tv? Snow angels, my ass! Give me sun or give me death!

Ironically after almost 2 weeks here, I have yet to see a hunk that will heat me to my thugging heart's content. And I'm starved for conversation. (You know me, Miss Yakitty-yak...) Never realized how bad my grasp of the Chinese language has become till this place! Well, last night I did have the chance for good conversation with the fairest of them all. Two birds. One stone. Really drop-dead gorgeous but the imported kind. From the Philippines. First looker you see in China is Pinoy! At least something that makes me yearn for home...hahahaha! Doesn't hurt too that he's such a nice nice guy.

If the cold doesn't kill me, carbon monoxide will. But the act of brushing one's teeth seems to be an art here (a lost art actually...) and that might do me in as well. All that aside, as early as now you see how much Bj is preparing for the Olympics in 2008. Infrastructure is at an all time high and it is impressive that the Chinese have come a long way and progress is imminent. That's why I feel Bj's the place to be till 2008. Of course, had I been born here, it wouldn't have been the same. It's a nice place to visit and stay for weeks on end, but at the end of the day, I always feel out of place here. Food's enough of a reason to come back though. But my hay fever's turned from bad to worse, maybe due to the fibers in them thick, wooly sweaters and the cold. I hate that there's no place to run, and with temp being a little under zero, you'd actually be crazy to consider. The term "under the weather" has actually been useful. Under the weather's wrath that is. I'm a Leo & a Dragon. And I'm heat, heat, heat all the way.

But...you should see this place. Lucy Liu heir apparents left and right (don't get too close, can't vouch for breath mints in their purses), progress is a sight to behold, culture abounds (more than Shanghai...) and it's food trip all the way.

If you do visit, think you'll feel at home. Home away from home.

(Manila...Manila...I keep coming back to Manila...)

snails and sanity...

2004-04-14T11:18:00.000+08:00

In the last seven days, I've jogged for maybe more than 13 times. How weird that it's all I do now. Greer saw me & said I looked really toned. My brother teases that I'm probably vying for the Olympics. My mom hates my color. My sister loves it. I may just be Beijing bound the next time around.

My good deed for today--> I helped a snail cross over to the other side of the jogging lane. Pity if it got stepped on by the other joggers...and it's life ending with a "SPLOTCH!" Besides, it's doing the field a good thing. Don't snails help in the process of decomposition by eating all the yucky stuff under the ground? Imagine how it must feel if God were watching you from above and He'd let your life end with one big "SPLOTCH!" ... then you'd feel 'kawawa,' right?

I realized that the worst kind of being 'taken for a ride' is when you were being taken all along and yet you don't realize it till the very end. Some of the time, you may actually feel being happy at some point in the relationship. And when you're there hanging on to 'word of honor,' your child-like optimism holds true to the promises because you've always felt that oral contracts are just as good as written contracts and with people you love, there is no need for the latter. Then suddenly it's all over and you realize that to a lot of people, 'word of honor' isn't worth very much anymore. Naivete in a nutshell for you. Not a good thing to have, makes one feel ill-equipped.

Chatted with Jane today...been sort of a recluse lately. She's going to Bali and wants to babysit me. (It's not as if Bali's but a ride away jane...) At least someone wants my sucky company. Promised her next time. And well...my passport is lost. Lost...as in I don't know where the hell it is. Maybe it's God's way of saying deal with IT. And I promised I would in time but not now...I'm just all over the place. Phoneless. Jobless. Jean-less. (Then again, it's been said that less is more...) i just need to keep myself occupied. I want something that would allow me to work with kids and get all my creative juices flowing. In time, I told Jane we'll travel together (BECAUSE i'm really fun company, I eat too much, one glass of wine & i'm giddy with happiness & i can talk the night away & LAUGHTER will come in hordes)...Promised her we'd go somewhere when I find my passport, but more importantly, when I find me. Cindy was supposed to have me this April. Just a short visit. Working in Europe has given her a really cool Brit accent (and Brit wit I suppose!)

But well, plans sometimes are meant to be broken. For now they have to be. I just know they all understand.

Just take it a day at a time. I'll get where I'm meant to be.

WORD WARRIOR in the house!

2004-03-24T15:30:00.000+08:00

I took a Tickle IQ Test. And the results...

Congratulations!
Your IQ score is 126.

This number is a result of a formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on the Tickle Classic IQ Test. Your IQ score is scientifically accurate; to read more about the science behind our IQ test, click here.

During the test, you answered four different types of questions- matehematical, visual-spatial, linguistic and logical. We analyzed how you did on each set of these questions, which reveals the way your brain processes information.

We also compared the way you answered the questions with others who have taken the test. According to the sorts of questions you got correct, we can tell your Intellectual Type is a Word Warrior.

This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying your able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas. And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results.

==> SO I'M A WORD WARRIOR. HMM. I WONDER.

marco & his boatload of GUTS!!!

2004-03-19T03:03:00.000+08:00

Through Friendster (cheesy, I know...), I hooked up with one of my long-lost (and only-recently found) confidantes named Marco. Although the two of us had fun times together, I don't think it was ever just that. He and I were never close in the usual terms, because we never really hung out. Once in a while we'd see each other in the defunct Pravda (God bless its soul & all the fun we had there!!!) and just engage in small talk over a glass of wine...but I've always remembered him to be one of the very few people I could always talk to.

In a place where times flies and friendships come and go, I usually have a hard time discerning companions from confidantes. Seeking people out of their busy lives is kind of a luxury not afforded every soul, but I've come to believe that Marco, has indeed, earned his place on my black book of confidence. One of the better exceptions in fact. Not only because he has always taken the extra-mile to make me feel at ease. But his steadiness to being open to a lot of new ideas is something else. I manage to learn a thing or 2 from the few and far between exchanges I've had with this guy. I can definitely hang with him and spill my guts without feeling at all out-of-place. The world needs more people like him!

I told him I so admired not only his thirst for independence but also the kickass way he took his life by the reins 2 years ago....packed his bags & traveled around Europe with the love of his life. Isn't that just the best(est) thing? Sort of my favorite poster boy for cheap traveling!!! He had this to say about living in another country...which I think we should all sit up and consider...

>It doesn't take much to start over in another
> country; just a whole boatload of guts. It takes
> guts to actually decide to go there, guts to
> talk to people and offer your services, guts to
> learn the language and the culture. For me the
> journey was the adventure. It wasn't
> anything I can tell you now. Actually, if I
> wrote down my whole journey, so much has been
> forgotten but the savory aftertaste of it will
> always be in me. Sort of like how you feel after
> you eat your most favorite meal!

(Amen!)

Hmm. If there's one thing we can learn (and re-learn over and over), it would be that life is much more fufilling when you take it head-on...instead of going with the throng (which for all you know, could be WRONG...). And damn, I think everybody deserves more than one shot to be happy. You don't down a single shot of tequila and say you're buzzed do you? And even espresso shots come in doubles. Right?

So to Marco and living to the brim...here's to YOU!!!

hmmm...i think sylvia plath said it best...

2004-03-09T08:40:00.000+08:00

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people i want and live all the lives i want. I can never train myself in all the skills i want. And why do I want? I want to live & feel all the shades, tones and variations of physical and mental experiences possible in life. And I am horribly limited."

These statements are what I've been feelingd deep down lately...Plath beat me to it by a couple of decades (haha), but she said it in a way that I would say it (RIGHT.) I seriously feel her words. She's amazing!

I feel so horribly constrained...not being able to allot time for all the things I wanna learn, all the films i wanna watch, my books-to-read list is growing to catastrophic proportions (ya, the books I promised to read when the year started I haven't finished yet...already the first quarter of the year's gone..isn't it utterly frustrating?) My irresolute new year's resolutions. ...why...why...why are there only 24 hours in a single day? DAMN. And time just flies!

How i miss just staying out in some sunny cafe having my coffee in the tiniest sips possible and just read my multitudes of titles...write my thoughts & just feel I had the best time with myself when the day's all over. how often have i started lady chatterly's lover with the firm resolve to finish it and yet...I never seem to get past page 59. Sometimes I feel the term "private time" has really gotten some bad publicity (so cut it some slack) and should only be uttered in hushed whispers. I like quali-timing with the people I care about, so why shouldn't I spend time with myself too?

If there was a pill that energized you after an hour's sleep, then I shall probably horde 'em all just to be able to have time to learn all the things i want. talk about carpe diem and being unable to...

- - - - - - -

...oh how i miss the beach...the sun...the beauty of watching the sunset with friends, cocktail in hand, with all the talk of imagined greatness...I still have a vision of the perfect sunset...I can keep playing it in my mind but it doesn't do justice to the real thing. I guess it's like seeing the Sistine Chapel for the first time, you sort of think after being moved to tears, "What's the big deal? My neck's starting to give with all the gaping..." In hindsight, you sort of realize that all the gaping and being moved to tears was actually well worth it...think of all the work Michelangelo must have put into something so beautiful. HOW CAN WE ALL BE HUMAN BEINGS AND THAT DEAD FART GETS ALL THE IMMENSE TALENT?!? (So there.) Haha. Seriously, it's not the same just looking it up over the net. (which i did just now to prove something to myself...)

What a way to start a Monday!!! And I don't loathe Mondays, I just don't particularly like them. I'm kind of a Wednesday or Saturday kind of gal... :-)